So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
