she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
