help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
