i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
