You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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