I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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