Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
