Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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