just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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