hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
