i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
