Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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