I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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