I met the friendliest cop last night
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
