The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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