I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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