I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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