I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
