I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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