he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
