we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
