I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
