I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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