I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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