What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
