Welp...herpes.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
