Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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