It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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