A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
