i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
