I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
