He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
