We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
