Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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