I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you traded sex for a burrito?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
