So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
