my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
