If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
