i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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