mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
