highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
