We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
