I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
