we have officially lost it.
i was born a porn star she said
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
