I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
