He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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