I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
