Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
