I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
