Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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